Ron Weasley and the Cowboys
by DivineDebris
Summary: A silly one-shot that I thought of a couple of days ago. Full of Texan stereotyping, but I grew up there, so it's okay, lol. Ron tries to offer some stoner cowboys the option of coming to Britain to learn magic, and they... don't take it well. Rated T for horses... haha.


**Ridiculous one-shot I thought up. Enjoy!**

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Six boys dressed in Levi jeans and thick t-shirts sat on bales of hay smoking joints when a loud 'pop' sent them into a stunned silence.

"Who in the hell are you?" A tall boy named Chevy asked at the redhead who had just apparated before them.

"Hello, mates, I'm Ron Weasley," he grinned smugly as though his reputation preceded him.

The boys shrugged and returned to their joints.

"Well, a'right then, _Ron Weasley_—" Chevy smirked in amusement. "— I'm Chevy, and this is Trent, Cody, Jason, Mark, and Billy. Welcome to Texas."

The man named Trent spoke up. "Are we supposed to know who you are or somethin'?"

Ron spluttered, "But – well, haven't you heard Harry Potter? Or Lord Voldmort?"

Vague understanding filtered through the crowd.

Chevy crossed his arms, grimacing at the freckled redhead. "So, you helped get rid 'a Voldyman, huh?"

Ron rolled his eyes. "His name wasn't _Voldyman_, it was Voldemo—"

"So you're like, some kinda hero, then?" The boy named Billy appraised Ron. "So you got, like, a superhero name? '_Freckleman vs. Voldyman'. In a battle of wits he's pig slop, but give 'em a wand, and he'll hex your sorry behind to San Antonio._" Roars of laughter echoed through the barn.

Chevy passed the nub end of his joint to another boy and chortled, "No, no, no, man. I got it. His name's Weasley. Let's call him – _Weaselman_."

A chorus of approval sounded through the barn, and Ron turned a deep shade of pink.

"'Eh, Weaselman, you ever seen a horse?" Billy grinned evilly.

Ron blanched, "They're a bit like thestrals, right?"

Chevy guffawed, "What the hell are thestrals? Come on, Weaselman—" He and Billy grabbed Ron by his arms and pulled him out of the barn toward the stables. "—It's time you met a horse."

Ron was dragged unceremoniously to the stables when he caught a foul stench.

"Ugh, what's that bloody smell?" Ron wafted the air away from his nose.

"That there's just the cows, Weaselman—" Chevy gave him a rough slap on the back. "The horse crap's not near as bad."

Ron stumbled in the stables. "Mates, we're getting off track. I've been sent here to offer a place in a proper wizarding community."

All amusement melted off Chevy's face. "What the hell you mean – proper? You think us cowboys ain't got no education?"

Billy looked equally livid. "You think 'cause we ain't got no wands that we're trash?"

Ron stepped back cautiously. "I didn't mean that, mates. There's just so much more you could do with your magic – if you were trained up a bit."

"_TRAINED?_" Chevy roared. "What, you think we're some kind of animals?" He and Billy began to corner Ron by a wall.

Ron whipped out his wand and stunned Billy, causing the boy to fly to the ground several feet away in a dead faint. "You're next if you don't see reason."

Without warning Ron was jumped from behind, the rest of Chevy's cohorts hopping through an open window and tackling him to the ground.

Chevy grabbed the redhead's wand and examined it with amusement. "You think you can pop on over with your fancy magic and just take us from our homes?" He ducked down next to Ron. "Magic may of brought us together, but that ain't what keeps us here."

Billy suddenly came to. "Why you flaming sack of horse sh—"

"Oi, you'd better watch what you say." Ron fumed angrily as he tried to shove everyone off of him. "I'll have the Ministry of Magic here in a second, and you'll be carted off to Azkaban."

The boys boomed with laughter, and Billy swept the dust from his jeans. "Boy, you don't know nothin' about cowboys—" He turned to the others. "—I reckon we ought to teach Weaselman here a lesson."

"You know what, Billy, I think that's a fine idea." Chevy grabbed Ron's arm, dragging him toward a stable. "You know, Weaselman, horse manure may be sweeter than a cow's, but I ain't really sure. I reckon you ought to eat some of each and let us know."

Ron paled and began thrashing wildly. "Let go of me! I'm Ron Weasley, you bloody morons. You'll – be – sorry!"

The boys began chanting as Ron was pushed closer to a pile of horse poop. "_EAT IT. EAT IT. EAT IT. EAT IT—" _Ron's face was inches from the fly-ridden pile…

"_WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" _Everyone but Ron was blasted from the stable. Mercifully, Ron landed in the hay away from the excrement. He peeked over the stable door to spot a fiercely beautiful woman with wavy chestnut hair and a red flannel shirt.

"Aw, hell, Charlotte—" Billy grimaced. "—he stunned me!"

"You bunch of retards—" She yanked the wand from Chevy's dismayed hands. "—This guy's like royalty back in Britain. Don't you ever check the news?"

Chevy stuttered, "He was gonna round us up, and make us go to England."

"I was not." Ron shuffled over to Charlotte like a talisman of safety. "The offer was optional." The boys hung their heads in disappointment as Ron took his wand back.

"Now you sorry S.O.B.s better let the man speak, or I'll castrate each and every one of you."

Ron shuddered at her warning in spite of himself. "Right, well, the ministries of magic throughout Europe and Asia have sent me as a delegate to offer you all formal magical training. Since there's only two schools of magic in the United States, both of which are private institutions, the other schools throughout the greater wizarding community are willing to offer you place at their school – _if you're interested_," he added in a mutinous tone.

Charlotte placed her hands firmly on her hips. "Well, you boys interested, or do you just wanna stay home tending farms and smoking weed?"

Chevy shifted uncomfortably. "Charlotte, girl, you know we hold ourselves in high regard 'cause of our magic, but this here's home. It's where we belong. Besides, you're the only one of us who can do much magic anyhow."

Charlotte pursed her lips. "Well, I wish you'd reconsider, 'cause I'm going."

Shouts of dismay crashed against Ron's ears as he listened.

"Charlotte, who's gonna cook us breakfast?"

"Who's gon' pick me up when I'm too drunk to drive myself?"

"But Charlotte, I can't cut my own hair!"

Charlotte shook her head. "Boys, please. You know I never belonged with you folks. I gotta go see what's out there. I gotta see the world."

"I guess if you really gotta go—" Chevy stepped up to Charlotte and slowly threw his arms around her. "Take care of yourself, girl."

Thirty minutes later Ron was standing in the sunlight of the front porch when Charlotte came out with three huge suitcases.

"Here, let me help make those easier to carry." Ron muttered a spell with his wand, and the three suitcases promptly shrank to the size of doll furniture.

Charlotte's mouth fell open. "Holy crap, will I get to learn that?" She tenderly placed the tiny bags in her purse.

Ron grinned. "Of course you will. You'll be doing a correspondence course at Hogwarts where you'll learn all sorts of magic." He held out his hand, still smiling. "Are you ready then?"

Charlotte hesitated. Texas was the only place she'd ever lived, but if she didn't take this chance she'd be stuck there forever.

Placing her hand in Ron's, Charlotte took a deep breath. "I'm ready." And with another 'pop' the two of them disappeared into the unknown.

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**Someday I might expand this. I also imagined Charlotte falling in love with a wizard in Britain, but I don't know now. lol**


End file.
